The Importance of Sexual Orientation

I know what you’re thinking: Havel’s about to drop some knowledge on the relative merits of being straight vs. gay, maybe throwing in some ‘big picture’ consequences on modern day society but mainly sticking to the biological interpretation of rampant butt piracy. Or maybe he’s going to highlight the obvious notion that homo gets along better with homo and hetero with hetero. Wrong and wrong. After all, this is a forum for exploring the overlooked subtleties of everyday social interaction— anything lesser would be a waste of everyone’s precious time. No, what I put forth is the necessity to consider the proximity and relative positioning of man and woman in a group environment. Let me explain.

Whilst visiting the wonderful city of New York, I found myself conversing with four old friends at a standard square table, one side benches, one side chairs. Although this particular situation was pairs facing each other across, what I’m about to say applies to the individual, four-sided scenario. Because those involved were friends at varying degrees, some much closer than others, I would have expected conversation to be lopsided— favoring the one who knew the other three the best. In this case that role was filled by yours truly. As it turned out, however, interactions flowed freely with little to no awkwardness and effortless topical transitions. I postulate that this success is due directly to the sexual orientation, namely alternating male and female going around the table.

Having a guy next to two girls and vice versa, a girl sandwiched between guys, keeps all parties deeply interested because, let’s be honest here, everyone’s usually looking to get some. With the options of meaningful one-on-one conversations immediately left and right, pressure is taken off the table, leaving room for unbounded flirting or feigned interest, depending on the situation. Having opposite-sex options close at hand also allows the freedom to play the conversations off each other. Nothing brings out jealousy and carnal desire like purposefully ignoring someone and then turning your full attention to them at the right time. It’s like an alley-oop out of left field— in yo face, panties dropping. The second value added from alternating sexes is the necessary back-up plan of the bro across way. With a go-to guy splitting the table you have an automatic out of any conversation and, as will be explained in a separate but equal post, hitting the hypotenuse in a conversation is an automatic trump over lesser side conversations and is the most effective way to gather attention for either light-hearted banter, game changing information, or motivating towards domination.

Trust me children, this never fails. If you ever catch yourself saddled up next to the same sex, make the decisive moves so you don’t end up vacationing to brokeback mountain, population dude.