The Naked Rule

You know when you go in the locker room how it always seems like the other dude (or dudette) there has the locker right next to you? Definitely confirmation bias but you know what I’m talking about.

Anyways, assuming you both get there at the same time, around the same age give or take a few years, and everything else that might factor in are equivalent, whoever drops trou first 100% has control over the area. Just planting the man flag—all others be warned. The question now is what is the appropriate course of action?

No matter which way you look at it, homophobia is a strong force in the locker room right up there with intense body odor, and it’s more than just, “Oh, I’m gonna stand far away because I’m not gay and I don’t want to see that.” That's only the tip of the iceberg so to speak. It’s also that you don’t want to come off as gay by standing too close (not that there’s anything wrong with that) anndddd you’re concerned that he might be gay, effectively leading to unwanted flirtation. It’s triple threat of homoquestionality so keep your distance to protect yourself. Keep in mind this could be right up your alley (especially if you’re working out in the San Francisco Gay Area) in which case you should use the Naked Rule for your manvantage. Saddle up right next to someone readying himself for nudity—it’s always best if you can pick the immediately adjacent locker to ensure the closest, reasonable contact. Now comes the hard part…. get it? Hard. You have to try your damndest to mirror each action. Shirts off, shirts off. Socks off, socks off. Thong off, etc. Make sure both parties reach birthday suit status at the same time to blow out the candles and, most importantly, position your body at a cocked angle, 45 degrees facing towards the lockers, in the target’s direction. This is sure to get a rise out of the fellow locker roommate, for better or for worse.

This happened to me today and, since I was leaving the gym, I wasn’t getting to get naked at all so I lost the race and ultimately had to pack my bag on the far bench, reaching across the raw beans and weenie when he allowed me. Take care of yourself, and take care of each other.

-- Spiderman

* Note: edited by JMH